Big Changes... big choices...

Sorry it's been awhile..

Making big changes and big moves in my life.  I am hanging on the edge of tomorrow with so many unanswered questions.  Ya know?  Words and actions.  Such contradictions in themselves.  I always try to make sure I do as I say and do unto others.. very hard life to lead sometimes.  I hurt.  Right now.  I need so much and trusting someone who has hurt you deeply by just what is said.. I dunno.. how can you?  I try to not think about what has happened and trust that it won't happen again.  I try to trust that what is said is the truth and I know that it wouldn't happen again.  But words... *shakes head*  when the words coming out are different than the actions shown... what to do - what to do?  Some times I want to give in, run away and just live my life in a shadow.  I need so much more and I need it now.  I am tired.  I need someone to lean on, to share with... who will hold my hand and me and just tell me... it is what it is and I love you, only you and to love me the way I love them.  Deeply, completely, and only them...

I have been devastated so much lately that it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I love you.  I want to be with you.  Not right now.  Contradictions... Breaks my heart.  I live in a black and white world.  I think maybe I don't deserve to be happy.  I expect too much and hell maybe I give too much.  I expect what I give and maybe that is my first mistake.  I love deeply and I love completely - there is no room for anyone else in that scenario, in my mind.  If there is room then obviously I shouldn't be there.  So I hurt. 


I know what it means to me.  I wonder, cause I am not a mind reader.. some people get so used to hiding and saying what people want to hear - or transferring emotions to other people that they never truly know what they are actually feeling.  Maybe I am a fool. 

I am broken.  And I don't have the strength.  If I get hurt again, I am afraid I will never be able to be myself again.  So how to mend this new divide... this huge divide... cause a woman knows..  seriously and I wish honesty would just be the word and action of the day, week, month, year.. Honesty.  Faithfulness.  Love... those ARE the ONLY things I ask.  Is that really too much??  For a life of beauty, friendship, love, trust?  Success?  I don't think so but then again.. I have been told I am crazy. 

Well, til next time...

~ V