...coming full circle...

Had a long weekend.  Very painful, very emotional weekend.  Went to see my brother, although he is doing fine with his chemo treatment, it is that so many years have been lost.  A family that is trying to come together and be as one.  We will get there.  He is a few years older than me and we never really had that chance to connect.  This weekend was a step in the right direction, at least in that part of my life...  his wife is awesome.  We stayed up talking to the wee hours of the morning - like little girls having a slumber party.  The connection is strong and she/they need us as much as we need them.  So I go....

My future lies in Gods country... the great state of Kentucky.  At least my future starts there, where I end up after - *shrugs* that is up to the Gods, Goddesses, and the universe.  I can only act on what I believe is right, true, and this is it.  A house out in the middle of nowhere - three bedrooms is in the process of being remodeled, I met the farmer and he will let me know when it will be completed.  I am hoping by Jan 01, 2012 that we will be there.  That is just a moment away. 

Gods and Goddesses know that I cannot go back to the way it was.  Not with him.  It's like a sick joke, this never-ending heartache.  I am quiet and withdrawn and I will stay that way.  It's how I heal.  I will not reach out and I will not make another move towards that chaos.  I wish that he would come clean, tell me the honest to God truth from his soul.  Not what I want to hear or what he thinks I need to hear.  Ya know?  I don't live that way, I don't accept that way.  Hurt me with the truth rather than a lie, any day.  Please.  He will have to step into my world if he ever so chooses.  I will not live in his.  I love him deeply, I love him beyond reason, faith in what choices I am making is how I am living.  He has his own choices to make, his own life to live.  I cannot go hours, days, even weeks without talking to him but that seems to be the way. 

So we are back to where we started, coming full circle and this time... I am not chasing.  No.  I am hurt too deeply and I feel like it was a lie from day one.  Not lies but certainly not truth.  I forgive him - ya know?  It's all he has ever known but there does come a time in life where you either want better than what you have settled for - or you continue to settle.  I won't settle, I won't be a play thing, I won't be a dirty little secret and I definitely will never be anyone's second choice.  I am worth way more than any of that.  I have goals, dreams, desires, and I will have everything I choose because I know I can.  Just have to do it.  Take those steps and make it happen.

I met with Judy, she is a beautiful soul.  A bit broken but aren't we all?  She is a lost soul and like so many of us.  She gave me this pocket knife... turns out it is of fae descent.  Wow huh.  What a connection.  I will carry it on me always because there is meaning there, I just have to wait and see what it all means. I was brought back to Indiana for a reason, to meet this people and make these choices... we never know what the design is... and hell, we never know what steps to take unless you act on them.  Act on instinct and don't ignore it - I have learned that here recently- it is never wrong.

So I will work towards Dec 01.  The week I head there to stay with my brother and look for a job.  It will all work out the way it should.  I have no doubts, only belief.  Whatever is meant to be will find its way.  Faith.  I have it.  Trust.  I have it.  Hope.  I have never lost it.  Wisdom... well a little more every day.

Love and light beautiful ones...
xoxo
~ V ~