The difference being....

Been doing a lot of self refection today.  I believe myself to be a good person.  Yes I have my days where I want to bite everyone's head off.  I am far from perfect.  I am far from boring.  I live in bounds... ya know?  When I step out - well it bothers me.  I wish I were one of those people who can live just for the moment.  Hell, I can't.  I worry about what reactions to my actions will be.  I believe karma is a bitch and trust me - I have enough negative karma that I don't want to pile anymore on...  a spiritual healer that has lost her way... need a light to guide me... my Dad.. he would say - damn girl you are second to none... (happy birthday dad).

The last few months have been a testament to my strength and my love.  There are different types of love.  I am in love with someone.  Question is this, he says he loves me - but what type of love?  The kind of love that you would chase to the ends of the earth?  Give up your life as you know it?  Face the fall-out of what is to come?  See that is the love I have but obviously, it is not the same, or that easy for other people.  The difference being... I have and would give it all up for us... but... I live in a black and white world - to me there isn't any room for gray.  The gray is where trouble starts and where I refuse to live.  So - what kind of love does he have for me?  Maybe I am afraid to demand an action - but I have to.  For the well-being of myself and all else involved.  I need to know.  Ya know... actions speak so much louder than words and the actions I have been receiving are ones that a friend would do... not a lover or a forever kind of partner...  soul-searching sucks and he is a weakness... one I probably will just run from... the gypsy soul wants all or nothing... so... one month is what I am giving myself to get out of this area and start over...

I have terrific friends, family, even a few guides, and one terrific knight... too bad I couldn't just let you all decide for me.  I have listened to all of you but of course I must follow my heart... no matter what because that is who and what I am.  I prayed for him - ya know?  I prayed for someone who could match me on every level and they brought him to me... kind of a sick joke as I said before... cause seriously, if you only knew the details, some of you do, but the sick joke is how the hell do I get there from here with my heart, soul, mind, and body still intact?  I don't see an answer forthcoming tonight and my instincts to run are kicking in on a high octane level.  Run, live alone and do my thing.  Write, heal, study, and just be...  Maybe the test is this... how to let it go and move on... maybe it is his lesson and not mine?  I dunno... the thing about lessons... you never have the answers until the test is over...

You all love my riddles don't ya?  Should try living inside this mind for a day?!  Make ya bonkers.. I need to probably just stop thinking all together and just act.  lol

Well til next time.
Love & light,
~ V ~